Positive Action on Cancer (PAC) is a charity based in Frome, which provides free counselling to those affected by cancer, be it the – what’s the best word, sufferer, patient, cancee?! – or their families and friends. An amazing service, one which has just had its funding severely cut and relies mostly on donations.

I called them, having realised last week that I haven’t really talked to anyone about what’s happened. Yes I’ve informed family and friends, relayed facts, kept people up to date. I’ve been pretty upbeat about it all which hasn’t really been a brave face thing. I think perhaps my brain has kept me in denial a little as a way to cope. People have said, gosh you’re so brave, but I don’t see it/feel it as that. I’ve just got to get on with it. If it was just me, or just me and Dan then I think we’d be sobbing in the corner but we’ve got to fight this while maintaining normality for Tilly, and us.  This is happening, there is no way back.

So I went to see a counsellor at PAC. So much better than I expected. I thought it may be a bit wishy washy, ‘and how do you feel about that’ kind of thing. Actually she offered practical advice and coping mechanisms as well as sympathy and empathy. They’ve seen this a hundred times before I’m sure and that is a comfort, strangely. We’ve found the definite impact on future fertility the hardest to thing to deal with. I’m angry and heartbroken about it. To talk about it freely with someone other than Dan was so helpful. I quickly followed up with the usual, but we’re so lucky to have Tilly line as feels churlish to be upset when we do have a child, and it was refreshing to hear someone say, but that’s not the point. By saying that line I’m belittling my grief about no second child for us, no sibling for Tilly and all that entails.

They offer up to 16 weekly sessions, and I’ll be back next week. Dan is on the waiting list. We will support their work, and suggest you do too.