So all in all it’s been a tough couple of weeks. Little niggly things like the car bump, very scary times with my breathlessness, and poor little Tilly with her cronky leg. It’s now very nearly time for the next chemo, and I really haven’t recovered well this time. I have zero energy which is utterly frustrating. After the stress of the possible causes of the breathlessness it seems now it may be a chest infection! When on chemo, they seem to assume something’s serious and work back from there, as chemo drugs can affect heart and lungs negatively. I’m still breathless but nothing like I was, which is a relief. If it continues then they’ll do further tests on my heart.

Dan and I have really struggled as the serious reality continues to hit home. Chemo is far from just an appointment every few weeks followed by a crappy few days. It’s a relentless barrage of unforeseen complications that wear you down when you’re at your least able to fight. It affects every aspect of your life and of those around you. Yes I’m half way through…chemo – there’s another 6 months of active treatment to follow. It’s a long, slow, miserable journey which you can’t see the end of. There’s no big prize at the end of it, the reward is the ability to step back into a ‘normal’ life, that will never quite be the same as the one you leave behind at diagnosis almost a year before. And there’s no guarantee the cancer won’t come back, you never get the all clear. And the thought of having to do this again is, at the moment, impossible. And the thought of having to see a loved one go through what we have is hideous.

So to sum up, cancer is a shit, but I think we all knew that.

Chemo 4 is go for tomorrow. A different set of drugs so we’ll see what they bring…

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