Well haven’t I been quiet?! It’s nearly the middle of February already, and last year is a distant memory and life is getting back to normal, right? Wrong! Honestly…I’m struggling. It’s been a surprisingly shitty few weeks and I’ve retreated to getting through the day to day, making sure Tilly is ok and not much more.
It turns out having cancer is a bit of a downer after all, who’d have thought it. Last year was pretty horrendous, but an up-side was that I didn’t have much time to think. I was caught up with the practicalities of treatment – the treatment days, the bewildering swirl of side effects, the logistics of childcare and chauffeurs etc etc. All along with the normal stuff everyone has of keeping family and house going. Last year was probably the hardest time for family and friends seeing me look so ill going through the mill, and from what I hear they’ve done a lot of the thinking about it all during that time.
Now, released from the constant appointments and schedules, my brain’s in overdrive. The realisation and constant disbelief that last year actually happened. That the meds I’m on now have increasing and various side effects. That my body has changed forever. And I am at high risk of it all happening again but most probably without such a good outcome. It’s pretty gutting that what we went through last year wasn’t enough to guarantee that all will be ok.
And perhaps it seems ludicrous that this has been a surprise, but it really has. There hasn’t been a euphoric feeling of completing treatment, I guess because treatment hasn’t finished yet and there’s never a big sign off from the hospital to say ‘you’ve done it well done, here’s your medal.’ And looking to the future is actually quite difficult, nothing is the same as it was or how I’d thought it would be. I know it will get better, and it’s still early days and all is still very raw but I know things will get better.
Having had the conversations we’ve had with my healthcare team, I know I’m lucky to have made it through to be here today and to have a future, I know lots of people haven’t been so lucky. But it’s not quite like it is in the movies, that having faceda life threatening situation and survived, the hero now seizes life in the extreme, Carpe Diem and all that. Right now, it’s enough to try to function normally and appear as if things are ok to those around me and in front of Tilly.
So apologies all round for the birthdays and events I’ve missed, the thankyou letters I haven’t written, the emails and texts I haven’t replied to, the phone calls I haven’t made. I’ve been a crap friend this year, thanks for sticking by me and I hope you’ll forgive me – I blame cancer and I suggest you do too!