My weekend in Paris was fabulous. Great company, lots of fun and some time and space on my own to pootle around and chill out. What a treat.

It feels like a long time ago though! It’s been a busy week or so since with mum up here helping out, Dan being hideously ill with a bug, luckily recovering in time for his birthday weekend. We had a really wonderful time with friends celebrating and appreciating the good things in life. Digby dog has returned from his very long holiday-he went to Dan’s sister’s for about 10 months which helped hugely as there was just so much going on here during treatment. He’s fitted right back in and his return feels like the start of things returning to a little normality. And the weather’s been pretty amazing too which has given everyone a bit of a boost.

But through all the good things that voice in my head is getting louder and more pushy. I have my appointment with my surgeon tomorrow and the underlying stress about it is high. Anxiety dreams a-go-go, the classic clichés of disaster movie survival or ‘hang on, why am I naked in this otherwise normal everyday scene?!’

I’m trying to spin this recall to the unit as a good thing- a chance to see my surgeon who I haven’t seen since my two week check after surgery back in October, an opportunity to be properly checked over by the man in the know. The two quite distinct pains-one from my collar bone down to the bottom of my ribs on my right side, and one in my armpit-are still very much there. My main way of coping is trying to ignore it which is, I’ve found, quite tiring and not entirely successful! From what I understand pains and twinges can carry on for years and years on and off after treatment, but they can be the sign of something more serious starting.

And we’ll be getting the results of my mammogram-normally you hear by letter but they’ll tell me tomorrow in the meeting.

It’s really hard to move on with getting on with life when you’re so aware of what may be lurking. We’ve lived through the reality of having the rug pulled out from under you and life changed overnight and it’s hard to feel able to plan ahead a couple of months let alone a few years. Frustratingly life still feels on hold-we’re nervous to look to the future, having experienced the intense pain of having some of your life’s hopes and plans stolen away. And this limbo of knowing a pain, a scan, an appointment could change everything once again is something we will have to learn to live with but so far it’s proved to be not that easy.

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